Questions, Questions
by celestial-insanity
Summary: When Shepard gets bored, she asks her team questions that you wouldn't quite expect... Mass Effect 1 & 2
1. The innards of a marshmallow?

Nights on the _Normandy _get quiet, and the Commander attempts to ease the tension with a few questions designed to test her team's mental reasoning… only they don't know it. After a long, painstaking process, the Commander finally finds a question to ask:

**What are marshmallows made out of?**

**

* * *

**

**Joker: **You're kidding me, right? Out of all of the questions you could ask, you're asking me what marshmallows are made of? Are you serious, Commander, or are you just jerking my leg?

_[offended] I'm completely serious!_

Yeah, yeah, sure… Honest truth is, I have no idea in the world. Might just want to look it up on the extranet or something, Commander. "How to make marshmallows for dummies." There has to be a book for that somewhere, God knows they only have like eight billion other useless ones out there… sorry, Commander, I didn't mean to imply… uh, I didn't… God damn it! You know what I'm saying!

_I'm not sure that I do… why don't you elaborate a bit for me?_

Ah, now you're just messing with me. Stop smiling. It'll give everybody else the wrong idea. I'm just gonna turn around here and push a few buttons, hope something cool happens… Maybe there's a secret hot dog machine the techs put in here. God I hope so, I'm starving for a good one about now.

* * *

**Kaidan: **Uh… I don't know. I'm guessing sugar, some kind of starch, maybe? Maybe some flour or something, too, I don't know… I'm not really a good chef, sorry, Commander. Can't help you out here. Why do you need to know, anyway?

_Oh, just curious._

_[laughs]_ You got me curious now, too. I'll look it up after I take care of this wiring issue here and let you know.

* * *

**Ashley: **_[pauses] _You think up some weird stuff, Commander. Haven't had a CO ask me _that_ before. _[chuckles_] I might actually have an answer for you there. It's either sugar or corn syrup with some softened gelatin, water, some flavoring, and a bit of dextrose all whipped together so it's as spongy as you normally see it. My sisters and I made some for Lynne's Halloween party a while back. Man, that was so much fun. I stuck six up my nose on a dare.

_Are you serious?_

A Williams always tells the truth, Commander.

* * *

**Garrus: **Uh, I might be a bit slow here, Commander, but… what exactly is a marshmallow?

_It's a soft, sweet treat you normally put in hot cocoa or on top of ice cream._

I'm completely lost. Maybe you should look it up for yourself… sorry I'm not that much help.

* * *

**Wrex: **Yeah, I know what the hell a marshmallow is. I killed a salarian by shoving a plastic package of them down his throat. Didn't pause long enough to get the ingredients off the bag. Is there an actual reason you're asking me this, Shepard?

_I was just curious. Popped into my mind, couldn't get it out. How'd you manage to get the bag down the salarian's throat? _

_[shrug] _He didn't give me what I wanted, and there was a hit out on him. Needed the creds. Easiest job of my life. Boring as hell.

* * *

**Tali**: I do not understand what you are asking, Commander. _[fiddles with omni-tool] _Is a marshmallow some kind of… machine? I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with it.

_It's just a treat – a human treat. I was wondering if you knew anything about it._

Unfortunately not, Commander. I hope there's an actual reason you're asking me about this, Commander, considering that I am not human.

_I just happened to be walking by and it popped in my head. Thanks, though! _

Yeah, sure, no problem. _[turns back to work]_

_

* * *

_

**Liara: **A marshmallow? Hmm, I seem to recall that becoming some kind of hit back on Thessia. Once the humans had finally entered the galactic stage, their treats became available to us. Marshmallows are an excellent addition to some of our more bitter cuisines… but as to their makeup, I'm afraid that I do not know, Commander. I am sorry that I cannot be of more assistance.

* * *

**Jacob: **You pullin' my leg, Shepard? _[leans against computer, folds arms] _You gotta be jerking my chain.

_Not at all. _

I don't know. Now what was the real reason you came by to see me?

* * *

**Miranda:** Marshmallows consist of sugar or high fructose corn syrup, gelatin softened by hot water, dextrose, and some external flavorings and food color. Why do you need to know?

_Just curious. Thanks, Miranda!_

Any time, Shepard, whatever you need.

* * *

**Mordin: **Marshmallow? I'm afraid that I do not know the term. _[before Shepard can speak, types furiously omni-tool] _Ah, yes, human sweet, consumable by asari as well. Became a big thing for them. Personally think it's disgusting, but humans have a much bigger 'sweet tooth' than salarians. Marshmallow consists of Corn Syrup, Sugar, Dextrose, Modified Corn Starch, Water, Gelatin, Tetrasodium Pyrophosphate which is a Whipping Aid, Artificial Flavor, Artificial Color of 'Blue One.' These are only ingredients for the Kraft Jet-Puffed, however. Can find you other sources in case you require any.

_No… no… that's enough. Thank you._

Positive that you need no more research?

_Completely. _

_

* * *

_

**Zaeed: **Don't know, don't care. Next question.

* * *

**Kasumi: **Wow, that's completely random, Commander. I have a feeling I'll be getting a lot of random questions aboard this ship, huh? _[light chuckle]_ I honestly don't know that one, but now you have me curious. If you'll just wait one, I can check up on the extranet… _[types in search request on omni-tool] _Wow. Doesn't look too complicated. Hey, maybe we can convince Rupert to make some after we get his groceries. You know, for dessert!

_That's an enticing idea._

Here, I'll forward the web page to you. Marshmallows drizzled with chocolate syrup… oh, my mouth is watering.

* * *

**Grunt: **_[pauses for a very long time] _I… do not know, Shepard.

_You look like this distresses you._

I know that if you are asking it must have some kind of… tactical importance. A weapon of some sort, but Okeer either didn't know about it or that connection failed. What's a marshmallow?

_Relax, Grunt. It's a human sweet._

_[pauses, then a glare] _You're asking me about human sweets?

_Yeah, bad idea… _

_

* * *

_

**Jack: **Why the hell would I know? Maybe they grow from a magical fucking tree on some special island. Look, I'm here to kill people. Go ask somebody else your dumb questions.

* * *

**Thane: **A marshmallow… I have seen the sweet that you are talking about before, but I've never consumed it to determine its taste. Why do you ask, si'ha?

_I'm simply curious, Thane. _

Well, I am gladdened that you would question me on such matters, but I am no chef. I would suggest that you ask Rupert once he's finished with preparing dinner, or perhaps look it up on your omni-tool. I could do that for you if you're extremely curious.

_No, thank you, Thane. You've done enough. _

My time is yours.

* * *

**Samara: **Oh, a marshmallow… I haven't had those in years. _[closes eyes, a dreamy smile on her face] _Yes, that was a delectable treat indeed. So sweet and fluffy… I'm afraid that I do not know what they are made out of, but it makes me very curious. Is there a reason that you are asking me this, Commander?

_I was just walking around and the question popped into my head. I'd heard that asari liked them just as much as humans, so I was thinking that maybe you would know the answer._

Sadly I do not… I will make it my mission to find out, however. _[gets up to find Rupert]_

_

* * *

_

**Legion: **Marshmallows are human-engineered substances used to satiate their comfort food requirements. Made out of Corn Syrup, Sugar, Dextrose, Modified Corn Starch, Water, Gelatin, Tetrasodium Pyrophosphate (Whipping Aid), Artificial Flavor, Artificial Color (Blue 1).

_Thank you, Legion._

Was there a purpose behind the query, Shepard-Commander? The _Normandy_'s computer logs indicate that this topic has been researched five times in the past hour by Jacob Taylor, Grunt, Kasumi Goto, Miranda Lawson, and Mordin Solus.

_You caught me. I was checking to see if their answers would correspond._

Does my answer satisfy your curiosity, Shepard-Commander?

_Yes. Thank you._

Standing by.


	2. What is love?

The Commander still isn't satisfied, and she has a whole new question, somewhat deeper than the last:

**What do you think of love?**

**

* * *

**

**Joker: **It's effed up. _[pause]_ Oh, but you were serious, weren't you? Hell, why wouldn't you be serious? I can never tell when you're joking, Commander. Maybe if you lightened up a bit more then I wouldn't have all of this confusion… _[sigh]_

_Aren't you going to answer?_

Gah, fine. Love is… different for everybody. Me? I love ships, I love the way they move, I love the sense of control I have when I'm busting this baby from one move to the next. It's like something you can't walk away from. You love your job, right?

_I wouldn't exactly say I love being the chess piece standing against the Reapers…_

Yeah, but you love being who you are, right? If you didn't love being who you were, then you'd be _sane_ and walk away or be as stupid and ignorant as those sons of bitches on the Council or in Alliance Command. Love's easier when there aren't any _people_ in the way, get it?

_How so?_

If you love a person, then you gotta put up with their little mood swings and outbursts and just them in general. Ships, objects, and ideas are a lot simpler. They don't nag nag nag about not making your _bed_ or _[high pitched voice] _'honey, why don't we ever do anything _fun?_ I miss it when you took me to places. I'm not gonna have sex with you until you treat me like a spoiled princess!'

_Not _all_ women are like that, Joker._

Yeah, yeah, I know you ain't, but I'm not talking about you. I'm just talking about… people in general. It's easier to love something that doesn't talk back to yah, just saying.

* * *

**Kaidan: **That's an… interesting question, Commander. Why are you asking me?

_Because I'm curious, Kaidan._

Uh, okay. _[clears throat] _Love's just a feeling. You have it or you don't. You… go through every day thinking about the person you love. Sometimes you hate them, but even when you do you know you'd never leave them. You stand by them, you know? You'd die for them. You just can't look away from it.

_[catches himself staring into the Commander's eyes and turns away abruptly] _Anyway, there's my two cents on it.

* * *

**Ashley: **Love's easy. Okay, yeah, it's muddy, too. I think if you found the real person you liked a lot, then it wouldn't matter how crappy the waters are as long as you have each other, you know? You're probably talking about boyfriends and girlfriends, but I'm actually not. I love my sisters, I love my family, I love this crew. I'd do anything for you guys.

_Thanks, Ash. That really means a lot._

I mean it, Commander. I know everything's not exactly the best it could be right now, but we're making the most out of a bad situation. We're going to pull through, one-hundred percent.

* * *

**Garrus: **Love's crazy, Commander. It's all this… hormone-driven stuff. I don't know. _[scratches back of neck awkwardly] _Most things I've seen have shown that most of the true love out there is garbage. People say they love each other and then I get a call to answer a domestic dispute. People marry, then they divorce. But people do insane things for love, too, like sacrificing themselves.

_You sound like you've seen a lot of these things personally…_

I have. In C-Sec it wasn't always flashing guns and killing hostage-takers. Most of the time I was out answering domestic dispute cases, and those were… never pretty. A lot of screwed up people who should've known better than to get themselves in those kinds of situations. Sometimes you'll hit a good love and you'll stay together until you die, but it's rare.

_What about love for family and friends?_

Well… _[shrug]_ People change. I may not like it, but they do, and there is only so much you can do to stop it. I enjoy people for the time I have them.

_Really?_ _Do you think we'll turn on you, Garrus?_

What? No. No, you know me better than that, Shepard. You guys are solid troops, and we've got a good cause. No, it's other people who worry me, but trust me, you're the least of them.

* * *

**Wrex: **Love is something reserved for the weak. If you're going to survive, you need _allies_, not a goddamn girlfriend or whatever the hell you have.

_Going past girlfriends, what do you think of love itself? Just in general. You obviously love killing. _

I kill because I'm paid to, Shepard. I don't enjoy it, I'm not sadistic. I'm out to see just how far to the top I can go before somebody finally brings me down. I have no passion – I'm out to survive, just like you.

_What about your people?_

I'm going to survive long enough to get the Clans back in order. Those assholes need a leader right now… idiots. The Genophage weakened us, reduced us to begging mongrels. I refuse to let our race become as useless as the quarians.

_So maybe you could say that you're in love with the survival of your people?_

It's not love, Shepard. It's survival. There's a difference.

_How so?_

Survival means that you can sire enough offspring to bring the world to its knees. Love is being too naïve to see the world find you.

* * *

**Tali**: _[pauses for a moment] _That's… an odd question, Commander. Why are you asking?

_Just curious, Tali._

What do I think of love…? Love's what holds everything together, you know? It's how my race has survived so long in the Migrant Fleet. We love each other, we'd do anything for each other. If my death meant the survival of another quarian, I would gladly give my life in order for them to survive.

_And you think love is just giving your life for another?_

No! No! Not that at all! Commander, love is something that all communities should be built upon. Love for an idea, a person, a religion – every civilization has roots there. Keelah, Shepard, I thought you knew me better than that.

_No, relax, Tali. I'm just probing you. I'm interested in hearing what you have to say._

Really? _[swallows]_ Okay, then! Love is an amazing thing, Shepard. I think everybody could use a bit more of it, especially in these days.

* * *

**Liara: **Love? That's a strange question, is it not? I see by your stance that you're completely serious… Very well, then, I will attempt to answer your question, but forgive me if it's not the kind you're looking for.

_Relax, Liara, this isn't a right or wrong type of question. I'm just getting different feedback._

Oh, I see, then… this is for some kind of study?

_Kind of._

_[blushes]_ In my opinion… love is something you cannot escape.

_How so?_

I believe that when you find it, you will know. _[looks into Shepard's eyes] _It is something you wouldn't want to escape from.

* * *

**Jacob: **Love… that's a tricky one. Guess it depends on what your personal definition of love is.

_That's why I'm asking you._

Yeah, yeah, I know… just trying to come up with a good answer. _[pause]_ Okay, got one. Zaeed and Jessie. Miranda and Cerberus. Joker and the _Normandy._

_That's your definition?_

Yes, ma'am.

* * *

**Miranda:** Love? Really, Shepard, you do choose the oddest questions to ask before a suicide mission… Very well. _[light chuckle] _I suppose I should answer you, shouldn't I? Love is… _[pause] _well, it's everywhere. I wouldn't go as far as to say that it binds all of us together or anything. There are different types of love. You have the addictions, the stalkers, the Reaper indoctrination for example. It's all very hormonal for a time. Sometimes I think that the salarians have it right with those reproduction contracts. It proves that love _is_ hormonal… though I disagree with it at some parts as well.

_Yes?_

Well, for example, you could love an idea. Mordin loves his work as a scientist, and that's not hormonal at all. If salarians couldn't sustain those types of feelings for long periods of time, it would prove without a doubt that love is something you can only get within a narrow window of time.

_True._

Love isn't something you should go out looking for, kind of like a target. It messes up a lot of good things, so I've tried to stay away from it, myself.

_What about you and Jacob?_

_[blushes] _That was a young mistake! We both just weren't mature enough to realize that we couldn't work well together in… that type of setting. We're better off as friends. I love him as a friend, nothing more. And you'd best get those ideas out of your head, Commander.

* * *

**Mordin: **_[ducks under table to remove a squealing mouse by the tail and dumps him in a glass container] '_Love' is emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is virtue representing kindness, compassion, and affection. In religious context, love is not just a virtue, but the basis for all being and the foundation for all divine law, like your human religions and soforth. I happen to love my work a great deal.

_That's a pretty thorough answer, Mordin… but I know you probably have more to say about it than that._

Have had tougher questions before. _[laughs]_ The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. "Love" can also refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to sexual and hormone-driven love, to the emotional closeness of familial love, to the platonic love that defines friendship, to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love. Diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

Love in its various forms acts as major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, one of the most common themes in the creative arts.

* * *

**Zaeed: **Goddamn it, Shepard, is this all you came down for?

_Come on, Zaeed, give me a bit of an answer._

Love's love. There. You're almost just as bad as Chambers, and that's not a compliment.

* * *

**Kasumi: **Love's knowing that you've gone through every layer of security a place has, pulled a few dirty tricks right under security's nose, and walking out with a priceless artifact while they're busy arguing about how to approach the thief right behind you. _[laughs] _Man, that was the best heist of my life…

_Come on, Kasumi, be serious._

I was only poking fun, Shep. But it's true! I love everything I do. As long as you do everything with a passion, it never gets boring. Keeps it alive and interesting, you know?

* * *

**Grunt: **I love killing things, breaking bones. I've been thinking of different ways from Okeer's connections… _[laughs] _There was this one time when he stomped on the shin of a human while he was standing. The bone snapped and poked right out of his shin. Man collapsed, screaming, and got a knee in the face. Then he stepped on his neck, and blood just came out of his mouth. Funniest thing.

* * *

**Jack: **What are you, some kinda shrink or something? Can't you just try and stay outta my head? I'm not into that kinda thing, Shepard.

_Jack, come on. Humor me._

No way. Go ask the quarian if you want a good girl talk. Otherwise, leave me outta it.

* * *

**Thane: **Well, I suppose that there are many different determinations of love, si'ha. I gather that you're asking out of curiosity? What is your motive?

_The acquisition of knowledge?_

_[blinks] _Very well. Love is a beautiful thing, though sometimes it is warped with its complexity. When a being has such a strong connection to one thing or one person, it can fundamentally change who they are and what they believe in. When I met my wife, I became attached. Frightfully so. I don't regret it, but the change was… disconcerting.

_How so?_

I'd given up my entire being to one person I hardly knew. I stalked her and did not know why. The feeling was odd for me, being such a solitary person. After I realized how much I loved her, how much I needed her, I did not relent. It only grew stronger.

_Possessive?_

By some small glimmer of fate, she felt the same about me. We were both equally guarded about the other, if that is what you are asking. Our son, Kolyat, is the product of our love… I only wish that I had taken care of him better than I have.

_You're making up for any mistakes you made by reconnecting with him now, Thane. _

I realize that… they will always be my mistakes and I will always carry them around with me, but I've learned to accept that. And by some miracle, my son has as well. Things will be safe for him on the Citadel… but until the Reapers are gone, I will fight at your side, Commander.

* * *

**Samara: **I am not the one should be asking about love, Commander Shepard. My duties as a Justicar do not permit me to have any such personal attachments.

_Please, Samara. _

It is not something I wish to talk about.

_[Shepard sits down next to her]_

And it seems you are insistent. You do not want to ask me this, Commander. My feelings, my thoughts, they are clear and yet tainted on this matter. I know only that I cannot love, that I should not love. What has come from such love affairs has been nothing to be proud of. I have devoted my life to killing my daughter – how can I possibly say that I love her still? That I care for her. I was there to kiss at scraped knees and wipe away tears, but once I learned what they had become I locked the three of them away from sight, ashamed of the sight of them.

_You weren't ashamed. You tried to protect them._

And then Morinth got away, and I knew that I must kill her. This is not love, Commander. Our relationship is founded on hate and lies… and yet I do wish that she was different. Every day I yearn and pray that she will see the light, but I have already been sworn to kill her for her actions. I do not forsake my vows.

_I see how this still bothers you._

It is a scar that will never go away, even with death.

* * *

**Legion: **There are 14 noun definitions, 6 verb with direct object, 1 verb without direct object, 1 verb phrase, and 6 idioms corresponding to the word 'love.' Shall we dictate?

_No. Just tell me what 'love' is like to the geth._

We do not understand, Shepard-Commander.

_What do you all think love is?_

We are… confused. Is this a spiritual question?

_Yes, it is._

-_Error—_We cannot process your request. Please try again later.


	3. Half full or half empty?

A/N: Co-written with hk47fan of TMW! :D He took odds, I got evens.

* * *

Commander Shepard has yet another interesting question for her crew; this time, something extremely random and out there. How will the unique and dynamic people of the Normandy react?

**Is the glass half full... or half empty?**

**

* * *

**

**Joker: **Uh, seriously, Commander? You couldn't, like oh, I don't know... ask another question about [_mockingly_] 'love' again, couldn't you? 'Cos I really need that in my day-to-day.

_Joker... _

Fine, fine. Yeah, great. I get it. Don't mock the boss. Sorry, I mock Alliance Command so much that it kind of slips out.

[_sigh] Is the glass half-full or half-empty, Joker?_

Well what's in the glass?

_What would you like to be in the glass?_

A good hard beer would do me just fine.

[_another sigh] Is the glass half-empty or half-full of beer?_

Well, if it's beer it ain't filled up enough. Sorry! Don't hit me, I'm fragile!

* * *

**Kaidan: **Uh,I'm not sure it really matters, Commander. I don't think I've ever understood why there is a difference between the two, because it's basically the same thing. I don't think that what you put it as changes how you look at life or what your views are.

_So, what is it for you?_

_[sigh] _Fine, half-full.

* * *

**Ashley: **I'm a realist, Commander. I don't really believe in the entire glass half-full/half-empty things. The way I see it, you try to be the best person you can be. You run around, save everybody you can, be nice and moral, hand candy to kids so that they can be the positive outliers in the group. But if the situation calls for it, you have to be down in the dumps sometimes if that's the only way to notice the things going on.

It's a military mindset, I know. And a lot of people say I'm a pessimist. But really, I'm not. I just analyze a situation quicker than most and respond in kind.

_That's a pretty unique view. _

Growing up, moving around so much, that kind of taught me not to hope too much as a kid, because it only hurts more when the hopes are dashed. So I make it a point to enjoy what I can, but I don't tolerate false hope. I won't make promises I can't keep, either.

_Thanks for the words, Chief._

Any time, ma'am.

* * *

**Garrus: **Okay, Commander, I don't mean to offend you, but is this what humans really discuss in their spare time? Each culture is unique, and to each their own, but I don't think I've ever heard any turians, or any other species, talk about strange topics like these. I'm not sure I understand the question.

_Let's say there's a glass of water, and someone drank half of it. Is it half-empty, or half-full?_

I still don't understand, but I'm pretty sure you want an answer.

_Yes, yes I do._

Well, uhh, I'd say half-empty. If someone drank half of it, that means it was full in the beginning. Now it isn't, and half of it has been taken away. So, well... half empty.

* * *

**Wrex: **Is this another question like the marshmallows?

_Not related at all._

[_sigh_] Okay. Then explain to me why the hell this is relevant to catching Saren.

_Oh, it's not. I'm just curious as to what your answer would be._

Shepard, the only reason I will even bother answering this is because you've proved yourself to be a capable leader. The glass is empty.

_Why is it empty?_

Because while you were sitting around somebody drank it. The end. Shepard.

_Wrex..._

_

* * *

_

**Tali**: Shepard, I must say, you find more ways to talk to your crew than anyone in the flotilla ever has. I don't know if you just want to entertain us or yourselves, but your questions are random, yet fascinating in their own way. Back to this particular one, though, I would have to say half-full.

_Why?_

In so many places, people do not have enough water to freely spread around; I've experienced this personally my entire life. Everyone needs water, but we do not need a glass filled to the brim. A glass filled half-way would do fine for any quarian... well, if we actually drank with our mouths. We use tubes for obvious reasons, but the theory remains the same.

* * *

**Liara: **Ah... I'm not sure I understand why you're asking me this, Shepard. What glass are you talking about? I'm sorry if I appear dense.

_Just a metaphorical glass. _

Well... I guess the glass would be half-full. If it was empty to start with, by adding water you're filling it to the half-way point. That is the correct answer, I think.

_Yes, finally, a normal answer!_

I'm sorry?

_Nothing. Thank you for your time, Liara. _

_

* * *

_

**Jacob: **Uhh, Shepard, is this what you did to your old crew? Not that it's any of my business, but these questions are pretty far out there.

_Yes, yes, I actually did. Now, back to the question..._

I've heard of the saying, but don't think I ever really paid attention. Got bigger things on my mind, but I think it can be both. I'm not good at the physological stuff, but this is really simple; it can be different depending on the situation and what's really going on.

* * *

**Miranda:** The glass is irrelevant to our mission.

_Please, Miranda?_

I'm sorry, Commander, I'm just really busy here at the moment. The glass is half-full and both half-empty.

_That takes the fun out of it._

Shepard, at Cerberus we use different, more proven methods of physological testing and evaluation than simple mind games like that. It may have worked on a kindergartener, but not me. If you're looking to determine the mental stability of the crew, I'd suggest asking some different questions.

_Like what?_

I'll forward a few pieces of helpful info to you. Perhaps it'll make the rest of your nosing around less apparent.

* * *

**Mordin: **Ah, yes, intriguing query, Shepard. Believe there is a deeper meaning to it than anyone realizes; optimism and pessimism irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but much bigger issue at hand with half-filled, or half-empty, glass.

_Such as?_

Fact that glass was only filled to half-capacity, or only decreased to half-capacity, calls for concern. It demonstrates a feeling of emptyness, yet some form of being fufilled, in the drinker's life; emotional and physical problems, perhaps. Maybe even not able to hold full glass, which calls for medical evaluation. Feeling like you are missing something in life, or need something more than you have. Common problems for every person out there.

_[cough] Um, thank you, Mordin. That was... insightful._

_

* * *

_

**Zaeed: **You're not seriously... fine, I guess you are. The answer's half-empty. I'm not up for the gung-ho shit about staying positive. Either you face reality head-on or you're just dumb and waiting for a round in the face, and people who look around like the world's going to hand them gifts just for being all happy-faced about bullshit odds annoy the hell out of me. When we took over the_ Verrikan_, those assholes were the first ones to die. Poor bastards.

_The Verrikan was the suicide mission where only you survived, correct?_

Yeah. Because the glass was half-empty. Prepare for the worst, Shepard. Don't let it surprise you.

* * *

**Kasumi: **Ahh, Shepard, I know all about this, and if you want to know whether I'm optimistic or not, I will tell you right now that the glass is half-full. I don't want to walk around looking like a fool, but you have to take most things in stride; living the life of a thief, I know this. Half-empty sounds so much more depressing, anyway, and half-full sounds like you're at the half-way point of something. A goal, perhaps. It is a lot more inspiring than the other option, which would tend to drag someone down.

* * *

**Grunt: **What glass? What are you talking about?

_Well, if I was holding a glass right now and it was filled halfway with water, would the glass be half-full or half-empty?_

You just said it was filled halfway.

_...ah, crap._

Damn it, Shepard, stop playing mind games with me! I'm a krogan, not a dictionary. Go annoy the quarian with your questions, but leave me out of it unless it has something to do with killing.

* * *

**Jack: **Piss off with these damn questions, Shepard. If you want to talk to me, talk to me about something worth my time; there are plenty of people on this ship who'll waste time with that small talk.

_Come on, Jack, just this question. We need it for the mission._

There is no damn glass, Shepard. Not half-full, not half-empty. If there was a glass in here right now that was full of half-crap, I'd just wonder who couldn't hold all their liquor.

_So you admit it is half-full?_

No. Hell no; I don't give a shit. I'll just take the glass and stomp it into the ground. So there is no glass, and you can go talk to Thane if you want a big discussion about something stupid and deep.

* * *

**Thane: **This was explained to me once, long ago. [_eyes glaze_] -The room is dark, the only light illuminating the table before me. My hands rest on it, clammy. I cannot breathe properly. A man sits in front of me. Human male, dark hair, the same as the picture I'd been shown. He sets a glass in front of my bound hands and asks me, "Is the glass half empty or half full?" His voice is a monotone to my ears. My chest hurts. I refuse to answer, but I say in my mind that it is half full. The man laughs at my silence. Mocks me. He reaches for the glass. His mistake. I strike as fast as I can, my own arms a blur, and break his neck with my chains. One target down. I grab his keys - -

_Thane, it's okay. Snap out of it._

[_blink slowly]_ I... am sorry, si'ha. After I escaped and collected my money, I looked up his referance on the extranet. I am proud to see the world in a positive light. The glass is always going to be half-full.

* * *

**Samara:** [chuckles] This is another question that I've heard many times. There are many different answers, as I'm sure you know. A glass can be half-full or half-empty, but both do not mean the same. A glass of water can not be full, and not be empty, but can still be enjoyable. It can still serve its purpose.

There are some people who are entirely empty, Shepard. Even some who are entirely full. However, most are half-empty and half-full. They are feeling like they have everything they need, but come to find out later, they don't. Or they want something more, but are refusing to recognize what they do have. Everyone in life is searching for something, and they will not be full until they find it. Some are trying to get rid of something, and they won't be empty until they get rid of it.

I was never full, never fufilled, until my daughter was not harming innocent people. I was never empty of that burden until she was gone. Just as your mission will not be full until the Reapers are gone; likewise, your responsibility and duty will never be empty until they are gone. Half-full and half-empty can be similar, Shepard, but they also can be two entirely different things. I don't think I can say if it is one or the other.

* * *

**Legion: **This unit would not know. Probability that this question is being asked as a pholosophical test to determine geth perception of events 100%. Shepard-Commander, we cannot give the answer you seek.

_Why not? Can't you just choose one?_

[_beep]_ No.

_Just choose one._

The class is half-full.

_Thank you. [begins to leave]_

Half-empty.


	4. Who would YOU imprison?

Shepard's at it again…

**Who would you most like to imprison on this ship?**

* * *

**Joker:** You didn't turn on the intercom while I wasn't looking, did you?

_No, Joker._

_[checks anyway] _Huh. Okay. Another one of your crazy question times, I guess? _[sighs]_ So what do you mean by _imprison_, exactly? Drag into a cell, lock 'em in, throw away the key?

_More or less. Maybe just for a day, though. For fun._

'For fun.' _[snorts] _Yeah right . . . _[thinks]_ Udina. Asshole.

_On this ship, Joker . . ._

Oh hell no. I'm keeping quiet there, ma'am. You never know who's listening. _[mouths "Jack."]_

* * *

**Kaidan: **_[Narrows his eyes, glances up and to the left, and then looks at the Commander with a puzzled expression.]_I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't think that I understand the question here . . .

_It's simple: imagine we have a cell block here, on the Normandy – who would you like to put there?_

Uh . . . Commander, I'm not sure I should answer that. _[chuckles uncomfortably] _I don't think that would be the best idea. Do you have another question that won't get me in trouble?

_Kaidan, you're such a downer. Please answer my question? [smiles innocently] _

_[sigh]_ Fine, fine . . . I think I like the marshmallow question better. If I had to pick, it would be Thane.

_[Surprised] Why is that, Kaidan?_

So, this guy claims to be the best assassin there is, and he has his usual: _[mockingly]_ 'There are no less than 15 ways out.' Okay, so let's put than to the test. Uh. Ma'am.

_[muses] That's interesting. I actually like it. Good idea!_

I have a feeling this will come and bite me in the butt later.

_Do you, now?_

* * *

**Ashley**: Oh, good one. I'm _tempted_ to say Liara, just to watch her freak out, but I don't think she'd be able to handle it. We might be able to pass it off as one of those freak human things we do, but somehow I'm not so sure.

_Anybody else?_

I'd go with Engineer Adams. It'd be cool to see Tali giving all of his subordinates the orders.

* * *

**Garrus: **_[sigh]_ You know, Shepard – after the Collectors I swore to myself never doubt your judgment… _[Sits on the large shell case leaning the wall.]_ I'm hoping this is another question you're asking for the hell of it. If you have any concerns, you'd lay them on me, right?

_Don't worry, Garrus. This is a completely hypothetical question._

Ah, I see, then . . . here we go again?

_[chuckles] Here we go again.  
_

_[thoughtfully] _I'd put Zaeed in there.

_[startled laugh] Why is that?_

_[slyly]_ I remember he said he'd claw his way out if he had to. Well, I want to hold him to that.

_You are a very bad turian, Vakarian! [Shakes head]_

Hey, you asked!

* * *

**Wrex**: Alenko.

_That was quick. Is he annoying?_

No. If he were annoying, he would be dead. No, I would put him in a cell just so I can relax when we're out on a mission.

_He doesn't help you relax?_

The incessant battlefield flirting between the two of you makes me want to point my shotgun at him and pull the trigger. It doesn't help that you always bring both of us out at the same time. It would be nice to see some variety on the field.

_I'll definitely keep that in mind . . . you say we flirt with each other on the battlefield?_

I refuse to get any deeper into this conversation. Shepard.

_[chuckles] _Wrex.

* * *

**Tali****: **_[pauses, body gets tense] _Do we have an issue, Commander?_[activates combat drone] _Chiktikka, standby.

_Hey, hey, Tali! [Takes her by forearms] Calm down, there is no mutiny! [Sighs] Damn, I think I picked the wrong question this time…_

Oh, I see. Wow, I'm embarrassed now. _[disables Chiktikka]_ Shepard, you should warn me you want to ask another one of your special questions before scaring steam out of my suit! What type of answer are you looking for? Who _I_ would want to put in a jail cell?

_Yes, except for the geth please!_

_[leans on the wall, then tilts head mischievously.] _Garrus.

_[shocked] What? Why?_

_[with a chuckle]_ That skinny, spiky plucked _bosh'tet_ called me a bucket-head!

_[bursts out laughing]Oh, Garrus. I'm sorry, Tali , but he did hit on the target with that one._

_[taken aback] _Why you! _[activates omni-tool] _Get the Commander, Chiktikka, get her!

* * *

**Liara**: Oh, I don't think I could do that, Commander. What purpose would it serve, if only to anger our comrades?

_It's a human thing. Practical jokes. Pranking._

A prank? I am familiar with those. Sometimes they go a bit too far in my taste. Asari are fond of them as well, though I would not take it so far as to lock somebody up in a cell. Especially if I wish them to watch my back in the future.

_No, no, I wouldn't be locking them up. I'm just asking you a hypothetical question to pass the time._

Oh, well . . . I don't know, Shepard. I really don't think I can answer that.

_You don't have a mean bone in your body, do you?_

Um . . . Is this another hypothetical question?

_[chuckle] You're alright, Liara._

* * *

**Jacob: **Uh, the _Normandy_ isn't equipped with cell blocks, Commander . . . I might be able to call in a few favors once we go in for upgrades, but . . .

_No, no . . . [sighs] Everybody is always so tense when I ask this question. This is just for fun._

I'm not very good at this, Commander, you know . . . If you need some muscle I'm your man, but for the fun go see that glass-boned dweeb in the cockpit . . .

**[Joker] Hey, I heard that, asshole. If you ask me, Commander, a long time-out in the hospitable two-by-two meter room will give this chocolate bunny **_**plenty**_** of time to pump some brain-juice where his mouth is.**

_[laughs] _Think you're a smart ass, do you? Face it, Joker, the only thing protecting your brains from freezing off is your stupid cap!

_**[mockingly offended]**_** Don't screw with the cap, man. You just don't screw with the cap. Or the guy who can lock you in this room until you start crying for mommy.**

_[chuckle] I think I'll let the two of you settle this . . . And Joker, just remember that we'll probably need him in the future, so don't screw with the oxygen or grav levels._

* * *

**Miranda**: Commander, with all due respect, why? What is the purpose?

_Laughter at the expense of our comrades._

_[thinks]_ Put Gabby and Ken in one, from Engineering . . . They need to realize that they're a couple sooner or later.

_That's unexpectedly nice, Miranda._

After defeating the Collectors and rescuing the crew . . . things just kind of fell into place. Family. I know it must seem weird for me to talk like that, I suppose, but they could be so much together. It would be a shame if they let the opportunity slide.

* * *

**Mordin: **Hmm. Facial expression and external signs show that you're asking mostly in jest than in seriousness. _[sniff]_ Good. Generally, count imprisonment without probable cause as pointless myself. Prefer to deal with hostiles on sight. Decreases the strain on supplies. Won't school you on immobilizing opponents, however. Also, do not have any cause to imprison anybody on this ship. But can forward you information on best subduing the various crew members aboard, tailored to their specific needs, of course.

_No, thank you, Mordin. [sigh] Honestly, do you ever think about anything in a way that isn't a little creepy?_

Of course!_ [sniff]_ I like singing while studying the cells – a high-frequency sound wave has a good effect on their reproduction capabilities.

_[sigh] You are a valuable member of this team, Mordin. But sometimes, you can be a little bit scary._

Would not have brought me aboard otherwise, Commander. _[smiles]_

* * *

**Zaeed**: Shepard, I'd love to stick you in there whenever you get into this type of mood.

_So you _won't_ answer._

Look; according to the Shadow Broker, I suffer from a lack of interpersonal skills. _[cleans Jessie lovingly with a used rag] _Shame, really. But he was right, and it led to the crew leading a coup and me getting shot in the goddamn head. So no, I _won't_ comment on who I'd like to stick in the shithouse, Commander.

* * *

**Kasumi: **_[mockingly offended] _Hey, is that a hint?

_No, Kasumi. It's just a question._

So says Miss 'I-can-kill-people-'cos-I'm-above-the-law.'

_Relax, Goto. We're just having fun. Hypothetically, who would you lock up for a day or so? Just for fun, with no consequences?_

_[chuckles]_ Oh, okay. If we're talking in _hypothetical_ terms . . . _Hypothetically_, I wouldn't mind putting myself in a cell for a while, with some company, if you know what I mean. _[sly wink] _I prefer the black color.

_Are you talking about what I think you're talking about? Kasumi!_

What? Word on the street is that every male crew member here is following your footsteps like a couple of lost puppies. If you're not going to take up their offers, well . . . Keiji would want me to be happy. Tell you what: if you follow through, I would _hypothetically_ design the system myself. It would be impenetrable.

_[shakes head and chuckles] You always squeeze everything out of any situation, Miss Goto._

Let's just say you do me that favor, I'll draw a mustache on the Collector General's face.

* * *

**Grunt: **Wait. Is this going to happen? _[growing smile – or more of a baring of teeth in anticipation?] _

_No, Grunt. This is just another question._

I want the cook in there. He can't make any edible food, anyway.

_So who will cook? You?_

I wouldn't cook my food. Shepard.

…_Grunt._

* * *

**Jack: **I'd lock the snotty cheerleader in there. That'll give her something to cry home about. _[snickers]_

_You realize this is a hypothetical question, right?_

Look at it this way, Shepard – I've been running through various scenarios like that for a while now. Imagine her, sitting in some cell somewhere while I sit at her desk and rip her fucking data off of her computer. _[laughs]_

_I suppose I should be glad that hasn't happened, yet._

You should be glad you still have a ship, _Commander._

* * *

**Thane**: That is an interesting question, _si'ha._ Should I be worried?

_No, Thane. I'm just curious._

Ah. I believe I must refrain from answering that question. You never know what eyes are watching.

_Do you mean the Illusive Man?_

No. The pilot who believes he can use my answers to lever concessions out of me at a later date.

**[Joker] Oh, come on! I never have any fun.**

_Get a girlfriend, Moreau!_

* * *

**Samara: **In all my years I have rarely sentenced people to prison: when it comes to a Justicar to interfere, than every means possible have already been used… I'm not used to any detention procedures, which means I can hardly be of assistance here, Shepard…

_You always kill people?_

Only when they resist my judgment.

_[shakes head] And how often do they?_

Always.

_Fine… I know I'll probably regret asking that, but could you then tell me who of the crew you'd judge the usual way?_

[_sadly_] I would sentence Jack to death. What she has done to others, to herself, is inexcusable. I would be honor-bound to kill her.

* * *

**Legion**: We would imprison any which pose a critical error to the effectiveness of the crew.

_What do you classify as a 'critical error?'_

Anything that would jeopardize the security of the mission and of the crew that is not within logical parameters.

_Would you imprison _me?

[_pauses] _We would trust you, Shepard-Commander. We have consensus that you know what you are doing due to the amount of experience you possess from fighting the Old Machines.


End file.
